If today you hear His voice, harden not your hearts. - Hebrews 4:7
"You're as flat as a board. You sure you're not a boy? Better check again."
"I heard you had dyslexia. Are you worshiping "dog" again?"
"You're so special they have a class just for you. Your name should be Ed. Then you'd be in special Ed. I told you you're a boy."
Over and over again. The voices ring loud in her head. They're played more than the top 10 songs on the radio. The hurt is all she hears. The volume at school is turned up. Even at youth group she's treated the same way. But there, it's mixed with shame. She doesn't want to tell her mom. She doesn't want her to worry.
"How do I make the pain to go away?" she asked. "Was I born this way? Am I a mistake? Where can I be open and real? There's just too much at stake. Yes, I've hardened my heart just to endure the verbal hits. Sure, it's calloused now, even cold and distant. I just want it to stop. I just want the pain to go away."
Her words pierced my heart. But she wasn't done. "I just want it to be the way it used to be. I want to crawl up on my dad's lap and have him hold me. I want to be a little girl again and have him tell me the story of that lost princess and her being found. But I haven't seen my dad since, I don't know when. He doesn't live with us anymore. I just want some relief. Anything."
I wondered how she was coping. She told me, "When I drink I forget all the pain and I can laugh a little while. But it always comes back. Now I cut. I know it sounds weird for someone who wants to get rid of the pain, but it's not as bad as the hurt on the inside. I just want the voices to stop. Because even when I'm alone I hear the voices of the kids at school, the commercials on TV, and my own insecurities. All of them join together saying, 'You don't matter. You have no value. The world will be better off if you're gone.'"
This girl tried to take her life just before Lifest. That is where I met her in mid-July. Her mom couldn't afford a ticket, so a free one was offered and she brought her daughter. They both sought me out to thank me.
"Lifest has been amazing," said the girl. "People have treated us so good. The music is great!"
The mom laughed and said, "The music's a little loud though." I chuckled with her, trying to ease the heaviness in the air.
The daughter chimed in, "The speakers touched my heart. I prayed with someone in the prayer tent and asked Jesus into my heart and into all this pain. I feel like He was talking just to me. I heard His voice."
I turned to the mom with tears and said, "That's why we turn it up so loud, so people can hear."
I held the girl's beautiful face in my hands and made her look at me. She had tears coming down her cheeks. I looked her in the eyes and said, "I can't stop the voices of the bullies. I can't stop the commercials. I can't stop the voices inside you. But I pray that the voice of love, the voice of God, would be louder than all the other voices coming at you. I hope you hear that you matter, that you are loved, that there is hope. It's okay to get help. It's okay to talk about it. It's okay to share what's going on inside. And it's okay to not keep it all together."
As she walked away, I wanted to run back up on the stage to tell another person about the love of God so they could hear His voice like she did, and another, and another... The feeling was a stark contrast to where my heart's been at lately.
Honestly, I've wanted to quit. Why? Because I don't understand why God seems to be silent when people are crying out to Him. I don't understand why He doesn't reach out to protect girls like this from the abuse. I don't understand the excruciating pain of losing someone close to you, a pain that doesn't subside. I can't make sense of it when one teenager takes their own life. Because one is way too many.
Yet, what do I do? Where else can I go? If I quit then I am giving into my own voices, pain and bitterness. I can't harden my heart and let my doubt, anger, questions, fears and insecurities harden me.
Instead, I will choose to hear His voice of love, hope, forgiveness and purpose and continue to be a part of turning up the volume of His voice so that one more person can hear it, and another, and another… until the whole world hears.
If today you hear His voice, please, please… don't harden your heart.