The Holymess of Marriage & Ministry

In the past few weeks, there have been a handful of conversations that I have had with people in ministry concerning the marriages of youth pastors. A few of the conversations have centered on the reality of struggles and tension in marriages because of ministry. Sadly, the others were about two youth pastors in our county who have been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with girls in their ministries and fired due to those accusations.

I wish that I could look at those conversations and identify them as isolated or unique events. But as many of us know all too well, these realities have been a growing tragedy over the last couple of decades. Even in my short eight years in ministry, I can tell you of ten other youth workers I have known who have burned out and left their marriages in shambles…and that includes myself.

A little more than two years ago, my wife and I were making a much-needed change of scenery to save me from complete burnout and to rejuvenate our young marriage. There is a glaring observation that I have now about that time: I could have avoided a lot of hurt and pain had I simply been willing to admit there were struggles going on - and seek help.

Part of this came as a result of my personality, which tends to avoid confrontation and ignore issues. But I think overall that the church, and especially those in leadership, have a problem with this same issue. I recently watched a YouTube video called Happy Face Christians which depicts a family fighting on a Sunday morning before church. Just as they leave, they each grab a happy-face mask before walking out the door. Upon getting home, they put the masks down and continue to fight.

If we are honest, many of us would admit that we have acted out that same scenario many times. Yet many of us hesitate to admit it. We feel that the expectations of being in leadership mean that we aren't allowed to have problems or issues, especially when it comes to our marriages or families. Somehow, we feel that if someone finds out, we will be disqualified from serving and unfit to lead.

From Jesus' perspective, we should have the exact opposite response towards one another and our struggles. Think about the men and women through whom He did His great works. They were a bunch of cultural misfits who seemed to have more issues and problems than talent or social standing.

Jesus, speaking of himself as a doctor, said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." (Matthew 9:12) Paul reminds us that all of us are sinners...not just some people. (Romans 3:23) James challenges us as Christians to confess our sins to one another and pray for each other..."so that you may be healed!" (James 5:16)

In John 15, Jesus talks about being the Vine and His followers as the branches. Specifically, in  John 15:5, He says that if we remain in Him, then we will produce fruit. A lot of us get caught up in the part about producing fruit and feel we need to prove ourselves to everyone else by displaying that "fruit" - whether or not it is real.

At the beginning of James' letter to Christians, he tells us to "consider it pure joy whenever we face troubles...because it will teach us endurance...which in turn, and over time, will make us perfect." (James 1:2-4)

This progression in James 1 is really important because what it tells us is that growth goes hand-in-hand with struggles. You can't have one without the other. Think about your own life, your marriage, and your relationships. Isn't it the times of conflict, struggle, pain and hurt that have taught you the most - and challenged you to grow in your character and understanding?

When my wife and I look at the journey of our dating years and marriage, we like to refer to the "holymess" of our relationship. Our marriage is a holy, great, awesome thing that has taught us a lot. But that is due in part to the messy times we have faced…and are still facing. The holy parts of a relationship go hand-in-hand with the messy parts. In fact, to have a truly deep and Godly relationship, you can't have one without the other.

So what do we do about these times in our lives? When things are hard at home or we're wrestling with some other trial?

First, we have to step up to the challenge and not be afraid of the difficulties in our lives! We have to trust that God will use it for great and mighty things! Our God is a redeeming God who can take the messiest of situations and turn them into the most beautiful pictures of grace and salvation. Having faith in God during the midst of marital or family struggles isn't always easy but, as Hebrews 11:1 reminds us, "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Second, in order for God to use our situations, both for our sakes and for others, we need to be honest with them and face them head on. And we shouldn't do it alone! Whether it is a good friend, your spouse or significant other, or a pastor or counselor, don't keep your struggles to yourself. Find someone to talk to so that, together, you can tend to the garden that is your life and stay connected to the vine of Christ and produce the best possible fruit.

This is one of the strengths that I love about networking with other youth pastors in my area. We do our best to create a space where we can come together before God in worship and prayer. But our fellowship can also be raw. We can be an encouragement to one another not just about our ministries, but also our personal lives.

Third, we have to slowly help change the perceptions of the churches when it comes to being vulnerable. It is a real problem when pastors have been fired or mistreated simply because they opened up and admitted to not meeting human -but not biblical - standards. Whether those expectations originate with pastors or parishioners, they need to be torn down as we realize we are all on the same level in God's eyes.

If you are reading this as someone who is going through a mess right now, I want to encourage you that there is hope at the other end of your situation. God will redeem whatever you are facing and use it for His glory. I challenge you to seek someone out – a counselor, mentor, or friend  - and open up about your struggles. Ask for prayer and advice. Chances are you will quickly find out that you are not alone and that others have been through similar things.

If you are being treated pretty well by life, take a moment and reflect on how you got to this point. Chances are there were some times of struggle and conflict that occurred in your life at. I challenge you to prayerfully consider how God might use  you to help someone else who is in the thick of it. I'd be willing to bet too that you didn't make it through your situation alone, but that someone came to you and helped you along. Now it is time to do the same for someone else.

For more thoughts on marriage, please visit The Holymess of Marriage blog.