I was having lunch with some students when I overheard the new transfer student say, "... then I was arrested and now I have a couple hundred dollars of fines." I wasn't going to let that comment go without a conversation! As I inserted myself into the students' conversation, it became obvious that the altercation was a result of a leader attempting to leverage their position to shame the student into following the leader's directions.
It didn't work.
The result was catastrophic. The student lashed out in embarrassment and was arrested for their outburst. The conversation highlighted a common leadership style that I believe that youth workers, parents, coaches, and teachers need to pay close attention to avoid.
What is shaming?
According to a Google search, shame is defined as, "a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior."
I know that you might be thinking, "This kid has no idea they are wrong...so I am going to tell them!" But let's be real, students know when they are wrong. Sure, there are students that pretend to be unaware, but in reality students are constantly comparing themselves to others around them. They KNOW when they are different. It is easy to point a student's flaw to help you gain control of a situation with a highly disruptive student. It may work temporarily, but you will destroy trust.
Shame used for good.
I'm not suggesting that we AVOID shame. In fact, shame is good! Shame is evidence of a transcendent moral authority written deep in our souls that leads us to find redemption. The problem with far too many leaders is a lack in the hope of redemption... dare I say, we lack practical application of the gospel. Instead of giving our students hope for a second chance, we over-use a shame culture to maintain control. This kind of environment may give control as the authority, but without calling students toward the redemption, we risk unintentionally driving them into an arrogant shamelessness.
Provoked shame stirs rebellion.
I've experienced the attempted shaming by a leader to gain control of the room. I'm a class clown who is easily bored and hopes to spice the room with some fun! To this day when a leader attempts to leverage shame, it still stokes within me sarcasm and rebellion. It's only through my personal awareness of shame that I can recognize my insecurity and respond without escalating the situation. In a world primed for retaliation, those who use shame to control others run the risk of losing in some big ways.
A leader's personal shame.
Leaders who USE shame often are walking IN shame. We feel shame for losing control of the classroom, we are embarrassed that a person under our care would act in a certain way. Jesus following leaders can offer the solution to shame through grace, but we need to accept it ourselves. After we are walking in grace, we need to remember a few things:
- You as a leader are not responsible for every student's action. As a leader, you WILL be surprised by the actions of those whom you lead. Teenagers are CREATIVE! You can NEVER foresee every action of the students that you lead. You ARE responsible to handle your student's behavior in an appropriate manner. If you carry the shame of their behavior, it will cloud your judgement in your response to the situation.
- STOP feeling embarrassed by your student and focus on helping them grow. Far too many leader, parents, and coaches are concerned with how THEY look in a situation instead of what is best for the student.
- EXPECT to find new ways of walking in grace. Students are brilliant and they find ways to get under our skin to gain control for themselves.
Encourage in public, correct in private.
As I talk about grace, it's NOT overlooking the problems. I'm encouraging you to engage with the problems in a different way. It's easy to chastise the loud student to gain control in front of your group, but don't overlook the power you have to speak life into that student on the side. I was a disruptive student, and I'm a beneficiary of someone pulling me aside to speak LIFE into me. They told me that I was out of line, helped me see that I could do way more than just be disruptive, and shared these truths one-on-one instead of from the stage or in large crowds.
A few simple examples of shaming:
You might say, "I would NEVER shame a student!" I hope you're right. But since shame is leveraged so frequently in our world, I've pulled out a few spaces that shame may be creeping in without you realizing:
- "Glad you decided to make it..." to the student who shows up late.
- A sarcastic comment by a leader that puts a trouble student "in their place" and makes the other students in your group erupt in applause for the leader.
- And... trash-talking a student that their sports team LOST to YOUR favorite team.
Okay, you might be thinking that I'm taking this to an extreme. I may be. My goal today is to challenge you to think: "Am I, as a leader, overusing shame to "win" or "control" the people I lead? Is this the best way?"
Make restorative grace our goal.
In Romans 2:4, Paul asks the question, "not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?"
Going back to what I mentioned earlier: encourage in public, correct in private. No leader wants to look weak but meekness can be misunderstood as weakness. Meekness is power under control. As leaders we need to watch out for student's shame and encourage them through. You might be the only adult in their life to give them HOPE to overcome the hurdle! Let's not add weight to their burden of failure.
Too often as leaders we seek only to control the situation and fail to keep in mind that we have a greater goal. If God's kindness leads us to repentance, what does our kindness do for the students whom we serve?
In a world of retaliation, anxiety, and depression may we as Jesus-following leader create hope, even in shame. May we be the voices to the next generation that God has designed our students for greater things! Even in failure, we can find redemption!