There are seasons in ministry that are filled with incredible amounts of grief. We are called to serve hurting people. Sometimes grief comes through the actions of a student leader who has made a life-altering decision, other times there is hurt in wounds from those you serve, and let's face it... we live in a broken world. Crazy stuff happens.
Through my twenty years of ministry, a personal battle of cancer, and many other battles along the way, I have learned a few ways to handle grief as a minister. Here are a few ideas to I navigate the grief of ministry.
Give yourself space to grieve
I am the first to admit that I am terrible at this. I reframe awkward things and make them fun. Grief is difficult for me to process. BUT I need to discipline myself. Here are a few personal ways I have learned that I need to process grief:
- Jump into scripture. Find a verse or passage that resonates with you. What is the Holy Spirit trying to whisper to you in this moment? Honestly, I'm feeling this right now. In the past few months I have been unbelievably surrounded with death. I'm NOT feeling the confidence of: "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, I death, is your sting?" This season feels more like Psalm 34:18, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." It's a truth I'm clinging to right now.
- Worship through music. My current playlist is one I found on YouTube under Mix - Tenth Avenue North - Worn (with lyrics)
- Journal or write. If you read my journal, it's full of low points of ministry where I rehearse the big things that God has done. I don't do it regularly, but when I do, I force myself to remember what God has done through pain.
- The spiritual discipline of silence. Yeah, this is one of my most difficult places to stay. I'd rather jam to worship music but many times God wants my undivided attention.
Give yourself time to grieve
This may sound weird, but I have found that I need a pre-determined amount of time. I need a time where I am forced to do as David did in 2 Samuel 12:20, "Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped."
I'm not sure if this is too cognitive, but I need to give myself the time to grieve ministry failures... and them I'm done. I can't stop ministry because I'm sad. I need to keep moving. Knowing the phases of grief has helped me navigate grief:
- Denial - hearing the news, your first instinct is, "That's impossible!"
- Anger - when the truth of the situation becomes evident, frustration boils to the surface. ALSO - know that anger isn't always loud and flipping tables, sometimes it's quiet. You may need to talk to a counselor to process through anger appropriately.
- Bargaining - this is the questioning stage of grief. As a strategist... this is the hardest phase for me to navigate. I need to try to avoid the, "What if..." questions.
- Depression - it's hard to find the next step during this phase. If you find yourself in this phase for an extended period of time, you NEED to see a counselor. Don't navigate this alone.
- Acceptance - when you start to say, "It happened, and the next step is now..."
Let people know you're grieving
There is no reason to navigate this alone. Tell your closest relationships what your working through. They may not understand, so find a tribe of people with whom you can connect. Yeah, I'm a big fan of networking... but I'll spare you the sales pitch.
I mentioned this above but there ARE times in ministry that you NEED to see a counselor. Sometimes this is a professional who works with ministry stress, other times you may need to see a lay counselor at your church, and sometimes you need a peer to chat with. Don't navigate grief alone. Identify grief, talk about it, surrender it to God, and repeat as necessary.
God is STILL in the business of fixing broken stuff.