This is not my first rodeo, as far as working in the church goes. But still, I am shocked. As I read the really mean email sent by a perturbed parent, I became more and more upset. Initially I wanted to write back in all caps, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?" and retaliate with a similar email back. Though the concerns addressed might be valid, the way they were addressed was just plain ugly. Not a single clarifying question, just venom and misinformed anger. This is not the first and certainly not the last of these. But I feel it's a relatively new level of yuck.
The parents I work with now are my age and we have embraced the anonymity of the web with gusto. When we feel hurt or bothered, we often let things brew until they spill over into an email full of tone and verbiage that you would never use to someone's face. And therein lies the problem.
The truth is that conflict is actually a good thing. Being held accountable is only right, especially when we are responsible for someone else's most beloved offspring. As a mom, I can relate completely. I remember visiting a friend's church years ago with my little second-grade daughter. I held her nervous hand as we walked to the designated room. I kid you not: there was a teenage couple canoodling in that room. I knew my kid needed some grit (shout out to Brené Brown) and so I called out to the couple, who got up off the bench and walked over to us. They stood about ten feet away. I gave my daughter a little shove and then stayed and watched the teens saunter back over to their bench to sit talking to one another. Fortunately, a few more families brought their kids and a person over 18 entered the room and took the lead. Pretty soon all was well.
I complained to my friend, who was kind of a big deal in that ministry, and he took it to those in charge. My objective was not to get those kids fired, to begin a campaign to sabotage their reputations, or embarrass them. My objective was to make leadership aware because I was concerned for the children within the ministry. I hoped the teens would receive training to make them better leaders. I cared about their church's reputation and safety. But the question I want answered when I read an email like the one I mentioned before is, "To what end?" Is the end game manipulation? Is your conflict purely dumping anger on someone or is it to show love and concern? And is an email even your best recourse to have a confronting conversation with someone?
As a Christ follower in a church setting, I hold myself to a certain standard when it comes to conflict and confrontation. I look to the early church fathers for their very specific guidance on this subject. There will always be conflict but Scripture is pretty clear that our objective should be reconciliation and restoration, not dehumanization and "getting my way." Biblical conflict marries GRACE with TRUTH, never sacrificing one for the other. That's not easy, especially if we have decided that we just don't like the other person. The email was from someone I had never met face to face. It was obvious these parents never wanted to meet me face to face. Perhaps in meeting inperson, we would have to see one another as human beings. There would even be a slim chance that we might like each other.
We all have to confront and be confronted - whether it is in our work or just in life. Handling confrontation is an act of maturity, restraint, and perspective as we sift through what is true. I hope you do NOT get mean emails. But if you do, it's a good idea to share these with youth ministry peers for consolation and advice. Words spoken or written can be difficult to recuperate from emotionally and mentally.
I am humbled through this topic because know I am not innocent of grumbling and complaining against someone else. It is my hope that I have learned to choose grace and extend it to others more often than I don't. When I must have that confronting conversation, here are a few things that guide me through.
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I choose to think the best of the other person. We don't have to be naive, but we are to be "as innocent as doves and as wise as serpents" out there folks! (NIV, Matt. 10:16) Give the benefit of the doubt first.
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I weigh the consequences of the conflict. Is this is a personal issue, maybe it needs to be addressed privately to a pastoral counselor, not the person. If it's not a personal issue, I ask myself, "Am I willing to bear the potential broken relationship? Is the relationship broken if I don't confront this?"
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Remember the objective. We confront because we actually want what is best for the community. We are fighting for reconciliation and unity. If this is about my kid, I have to remember that the person in front of me is only human. I have no right to hate them, to talk bad about them to other people, to slander their name, or to do any mean stuff. I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible too!
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Let it go. Once the conversation has happened, I have to let it go. If my real objective was to restore relationship and create unity and it did not go the way I hoped... then I am not responsible for the other person's response.
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Pray. Sometimes that is the best thing you can do. Mostly because it changes our perspective and brings about forgiveness. My theology tells me that God is still in the business of transforming hearts and minds; so whether that is my heart and mind or someone else's, I'll take it.
I leave you with this plea from the Apostle Paul:
Phil. 2: 1-3 (MSG) "If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care- then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends..."
Amen!
Kelsey Morgan is the East Central Regional Coordinator and is the co-founder of Generation514 with her husband Brock Morgan. She has authored and edited NEXT Curriculum produced by the Youth Cartel and is committed to supporting and investing in those who care for the welfare of teens.